What is Dating Violence?

Dating Violence is using abusive tactics to control a partner (girlfriend or boyfriend). The abuse is ALWAYS the fault and responsibility of the abuser. There is nothing anyone could do to deserve to be abused in any way!!

Sexual and Physical Abuse are on the outside of the circle because they are the most violent tactics. They tend to get the victim under control the fastest. They are called out when the partner really step outside of what the abuser wants them to do. Sexual abuse includes things like: unwanted sexual touching, unwanted sex (RAPE), sexual comments that make you uncomfortable, pressuring you for sex, telling you “If you really loved me you would……”. Physical abuse is doing things like: pushing you, hitting you, pulling your hair, restraining you (holding you so you can’t move), grabbing at you, hitting your head against something, etc. A lot of times abusers hit victims in places where others won’t see bruises, scrapes or cuts.

Emotional Abuse is inside the circle not because it is isn’t painful or violent. It is just not as obvious as physical and sexual abuse. Emotional abuse can be anything from putting you down to making you think about committing suicide. It is anything that makes you feel bad about yourself and gives the abuser power over you. The abuser may tell you you’re too fat, too skinny, you have too many pimples, your hair is the wrong color, you’re stupid, you’re ugly, you’re emotional or a bitch. Emotional abuse usually starts at the beginning, or near the beginning, of the relationship and continues throughout. (Emotional abuse in the beginning of a relationship is a good warning sign that more violent abuse may follow.)

Threats and Intimidation Abusers use threats and intimidation often. It can be obvious or not so obvious. They may threaten you by showing you their weapons, by telling you that the next time you do that they are going to _____, by telling you they will tell your parents, teachers or friends about something you did or said, by telling you they will break up with you, or kill you or themselves, if you do _____ again. Intimidation is kind of like threats. It means making you scared of the abuser. Abusers do many things to make victims scared. They may yell in your face, break things, hurt animals or children, pull their hand back-like they’re going to hit you, hit you once and use it as a threat-“Remember what I did last time? I can do it again..”-look at you in a way that makes you feel scared or uncomfortable.

Isolation is keeping you from seeing your friends or family. The abuser may make you feel guilty if you see them, may tell them lies so that they don’t want to see you, may try to be with you so much that you don’t have time for others, act really weird in front of your friends so they don’t want to spend time with you while the abuser is there, make you move to another city or house so you can’t see your friends or family. It’s easier for abusers to abuse when the victim doesn’t have a group of supportive people around them.

Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming Minimizing is saying things like “I didn’t hit you that hard”, or “ I only slapped you”. It’s like saying things aren’t so bad. Denying is acting like nothing happened. The abuser may say, “I didn’t rape you, you wanted it”, or “ What do you mean I hurt you, I didn’t even hit you.”. Blaming is making it seem like it was your fault that they hit or hurt you. “If you wouldn’t talk to that guy, I wouldn’t hit you”, or “If you would just wear what I tell you to I wouldn’t get so mad.”

Jealousy is a natural feeling. But abusers use it as a weapon and an excuse. Abusers can be jealous of anything from an ex-partner to your parents to your kid. They use the jealousy to get you to stop seeing that person and to control you. Jealousy doesn’t mean that someone loves you a lot, it means that the abuser wants you all to themselves. That is very unhealthy.

<- Back to Main Page