Children from Violent Households Also Portray Extreme Resiliency and Strength.

Insight: ability to question the distorted images of the family. For example: sensing “There’s something wrong here.” In adolescence putting word to it, naming the problem. To reinforce and redirect this strength: Ask them “how did you figure this out?” validate their ability to name the problem/listen to their gut feelings.

Relationships/social competency: connecting with others, empathy, caring, communication skills. For example: actively seeking out people to connect with, including those outside family. Seeking out a counselor/other to talk to about the problems & feelings. Concern for victim’s or batterer’s feelings (empahty). To reinforce and redirect this strength: Reinforce impulse to seek help. Practice communication skills. Validate/redirect empathy. “It sounds like you really care about your mom. Let’s try to think of a safer way to help her.” “It’s okay to love your Dad, AND you and your mom need to be safe.”

Automomy: Independence, initiative, exploration, sense of who you are, ability to act independently. For example: Talent to distance oneself from family; find a safe place away from the violence. Decides “It’s okay to be different from the family” (defy family patterns & roles) able to take risks within the family to make aspects of life controllable. Figures out when Dad might explode, then gets self & siblings out of it. Tries to intervene. Calls 911. Runs away. Strategies for reinforcing and redirecting this strength: “You were brave to protect your sisters.” “You’re good at figuring out when Dad might get mad.” “That was brave to try to protect your Mom, but I’m worried you might get hurt too. What’s another way you could get help for Mom?” “You really didn’t want to be around the fighting anymore, but running away from home doesn’t make you safe. What else can you do?”

Problem Solving: thinking abstractly, finding alternative solutions to problems, ability to plan, resourcefulness. For example: developing multiple options for coping. Safety planning, Fantasy planning, knowing how to make use of resources, ask for and get help. Calling 911, talking to someone at school. Strategies for reinforcing and redirecting this strength: Teach safety planning, Allow children to explore options and make their own informed choices. Validate the planning aspect of fantasy.

Sense of purpose/Hope: Having goals, having a sense of his/her own future. For example: “I’m not gonna get married when I grow up.” “I’m not gonna do that to my kids.” “Do you think I’ll be like that when I grow up?” “When I get bigger I’ll protect my Mom.” Strategies for reinforcing and redirecting this strength: Hear/honor every child’ story without despair. Express hope in their future. Validate their impulse to think about a future, even if the plans seem inappropriate.

Creativity & Humor: For example: acting out/channeling the pain in play, drama, writing, etc. Fantasy. Strategies for reinforcing and redirecting this strength: Give children room for self-expression without censorship, ask open-ended questions, provide avenues for creativity.

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