Suggestions for Intervention When Reporting Doesn’t Help

Created by Community Advocates for Safety and Self-Reliance, Portland

When a child discloses domestic violence, we may feel powerless to effect change. We cannot make someone leave a violent relationship. SCF and the police can’t either. We may feel there is nothing we can do. Here are some things you might try:

Provide/Arrange academic support for children. Kids living with domestic violence may have a hard time focusing on school work. They worry about the safety of their mothers, and younger brothers and sisters, who are at home while they are at school. Also, arguments and violence sometimes happen in the morning rush to get ready for school or work, leaving a child feeling frightened and unfocused at the start of the day. Try arranging a quiet, check-in time before kids go to class, allowing them to play quietly, talk with you, draw, etc. to calm their minds for the school day. Or arrange a tutor to give them one-to-one assistance.

Provide parenting support. Parents who are victims of abuse themselves may have little energy and patience left for dealing with unruly children. And kids living with domestic violence can be a real challenge to the parent. They may have behavior problems or mimic the abuser’s behavior toward other children. If you have a positive comfortable relationship with the parent being hurt, try to find non-judgmental ways to provide parenting support, especially at volatile times such as holidays and birthdays, or when dealing with a child’s discipline problems at school.

Foster a comfortable, non-confrontational relationship with the abused parent. This may open doors to providing information and other support. Try asking if that parent is safe, if you can track down any information for her, etc. If it feels safe, try talking with the parent about the child’s feelings surrounding the domestic violence. (This is only to the abused parent-if you talk to the abuser the child and the mother may be put in severe danger!)

Provide information. Put pamphlets and brochures about shelters, domestic violence, crisis lines, etc. in prominent locations where someone could pick them up without having to ask or draw attention to themselves. Giving good information can also mean alerting a mother to renew an existing restraining order before it expires or otherwise giving support for the family’s continued safety.

Reinforce safety planning with the child. Children need to hear over and over again the message that they should not try to stop the violence. They need to revise safety plans and receive support for keeping themselves safe. You might also see if the child feels safe talking to the abused parent about the violence and about their fears. Often, victims of domestic violence don’t want to believe their children are aware of and hurt by the violence. A child may be reluctant to talk to the victim because they don’t want to upset that person, make them cry, etc. Often, women choose to leave abusive relationships when they learn of the effects it has on their children.

Support safety planning for the parent, too. If you have a comfortable relationship with the abused parent, try talking about plans for leaving-setting aside extra money, spare car keys, transportation, etc. Make resources available on finding employment, changing residences, etc.

Help kids find positive role models.

If a child is witnessing abuse of his mother by his father, for instance, he or she may need another positive male role model, such as an uncle, grandparent, family friend, teacher, coach, etc. Also, children may need permission to talk about the batterer’s positive qualities as well as the negative. Allowing them to draw pictures of happy and sad times with the person or to share objects with special meaning may help them know it’s okay to love or miss the batterer even though they hate the violence that person does.

Reinforce strengths. Each child has his or her own individual strengths. Take the time to point these out and reinforce them with the child. Strengths such as insight, social competency, autonomy, problem-solving, hope, creativity and humor are particularly important to notice and encourage in children living with domestic violence. Helping a child feel positive about these qualities may support their ability to remain resilient when other factors may encourage a child to disengage. For example, honestly talking about feeling is one strength that may not be being reinforced at home for a child living with domestic violence.

“Frequently, battered women are blamed for the violence their children experience as a result of living with an abusive father. In reality, battered women strive to protect their children from violent partners. They strive to be good parents despite their own terror, depression and injuries inflicted by their partners. Often, battered women leave their abusive relationships for the sake of their children. At the same time, many of them return to the relationship because they become homeless, are no longer able to provide for their children, and fear losing custody of their children. It is always the abuser’s responsibility to stop abusive behavior. It is this behavior that endangers children of battered women and their mothers. “
-National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, Child Advocacy Task Force, 1993

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