Principles of Supportive Communication

In order to truly support an abused teenager it is important that you model healthy and respectful communication.

* Use open body language - if you sit or stand facing the victim, regularly look them in the eye when they talk, and keep your arms and legs relaxed and uncrossed. You are expressing, through body language, your desire to hear whatever s/he has to say to you.

* Be honest with them and yourself - it’s safest to assume that if the victim doesn’t ask you a question directly, s/he likely doesn’t want your input, especially in uncomfortable, personal areas.

* Open your ears and close your mouth - when in doubt as to the right thing to say, DON’T SAY ANYTHING, JUST LISTEN. Be aware, this can feel very uncomfortable for you.

* Ask them to clarify what you don’t understand - try to understand not just the words the victim speaks but what s/he is trying to convey to you, the meaning between the lines. S/he may feel too embarrassed or humiliated to say exactly what they want to say - before an abused person tells someone that they are being abused. They will often say things that are clues to that fact. For example, “My partner never lets me go see my friends.”

* Be a mirror - another way to clarify what you heard the victim say is to reflect their statements back to them - both mirroring and clarifying have the advantage of helping the victim feel control over their side of the conversation. It also lets them know that you are really listening and trying to understand them. You might say, “Are you saying that you feel really frustrated?” S/he can control the conversation by saying, “ No not really. I’m just really angry.”

* Speak only for yourself - speak about feelings and express yourself using “I”. For example, “I feel afraid when you tell me about how your partner hurts you.” By beginning your statements with “I” you are owning your feelings and thoughts, and taking yourself out of a control position with the teenager you are speaking with.

* Share your life with the victim - by sharing your problems and experiences, you may make the victim feel more comfortable about confiding in you.

* Ask open-ended questions - open-ended questions tend to open up the conversation rather than shut it down because they ask for more broader opinion or general input, feelings or beliefs rather than only a yes or a no. When asked an open ended question, an abuse victim is not limited in their response.

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